Gender Terms to Avoid

A large amount of my work centers around language, ensuring people use the most up-to-date and affirming language for the trans and non-binary people in their lives. I don’t like to give folks a list of the words you’re not supposed to say, as sometimes this can just reinforce that behavior or introduce aggressors to inaccurate language they didn’t know before. But, in the interest of answering some common questions around such language, below is a list of terms and phrases I would generally avoid using. If you personally identify with a term, or use it to describe yourself I am by no means telling you to stop. This is simply a guide for folks who are navigating conversations about identities they do not hold.

I want to start, as I do most of my trainings, with the acknowledgement that I am obviously just one person who cannot speak on behalf of all trans and non-binary people. I do, however, have a bunch of research and knowledge and community that surrounds me and informs these conversations, and this list has been made with general best practices in mind.

This isn’t necessarily a list of words you should never say in any context, but rather words to avoid using for someone or a group without their consent. This list is not exhaustive, but includes some commonly used and heard terms.

AVOID: A transgender, transgenders, transgendered

Transgender is an adjective used to describe people whose sex assigned at birth does not align with their gender identity. Referring to someone as a transgender or a group of transgenders is not only grammatically inaccurate and treating transgender like a noun, it also tends to imply that the fact that someone’s trans is the most important or only thing about them. Likewise, a term like transgendered turns the adjective into a verb, and can imply something that happened to the trans person in the past. Instead, we should always use transgender as the adjective it is, the same way we might refer to a blonde woman or a Latino man.

AVOID: Transsexual

Historically, there has been a distinction made between trans people who did not medically transition (transgender) and trans people who did (transsexual). While certain people might still identify with the term transsexual, and we should always use that language reflected back to them, transgender has become the term most people use for the community at large today. Besides having been born by medical professionals and the disclosure of a medical transition not being anyone’s business, many people object to the term transexual being confusing, as it sounds like a sexual orientation (similar to bisexual or heterosexual.) That’s why most folks opt to refer to themselves and others as transgender today.

AVOID: Transvestite, Crossdresser

Some terms have historically been assumed synonyms, but actually have distinct definitions. And while clothing and gender expression do not have to align with one’s gender identity, transvestite and crossdresser most often refer to men who sometimes dress in clothing designed for women. The key distinctions here are that their gender identity is different from the way that they present, and that presentation is usually not a constant. Historically this experience has also reflected similarities to trans women, but we know them to be different. Trans women are women, and their gender expression or the way they present themselves to the world might vary. But when they are wearing clothing designed for women, they are simply dressing as themselves.

If you’re familiar with the term I will refer to as the T-slur, it actually has two stories behind it. One was a term of endearment in drag circles. The other, most popularized as the slur, is thought to be short for transvestite. Thus, when hurled at trans women, it it incorrectly categorizing them as crossdressing men.

AVOID: Preferred Gender Pronouns

While it has become customary to ask someone’s what pronouns they go by, referring to pronouns as preferred can come off as implying that those pronouns are not required. I prefer my pizza cheese only, but I will eat a slice that has pepperoni. However, my pronouns are not pizza. If you call me by anything other than she/her, you are incorrect. Likewise, pronouns only tell us how someone wants to be referred to, not necessarily what someone’s gender identity is. If you are looking for an adjective to use with the term, you can reference personal pronouns or ask for someone’s (most) affirming pronouns. 

AVOID: Born a ___, Biologically ___, Genetically ___

When we understand the definition of a word like transgender, we can easily know that someone's gender identity is not aligned with the sex they were assigned at birth. But while that is none of our business, and we could just refer to people without indicating whether or not they’re cisgender, we definitely want to avoid talking about someone being “born a woman,” “biologically male,” or “genetically female.” The disclosure of that information should always be in control of the person we are talking about, and unless it is medically or legally necessary it is none of your business to talk about. But also, I don’t think anyone was born a woman, as that is a term used to describe an adult. And in terms of biology and genetics, those categories are also more vast and complex than most people assume. 

AVOID: AMAB/AFAB

Acronyms like AMAB (Assigned Male At Birth) and AFAB (Assigned Female At Birth) were popularized to avoid the language above, though they were mostly originated by intersex people who were describing their experiences being forced into a binary system. While the designations can be helpful in certain circumstances, they are often used to recreate the language of a gender binary instead of moving beyond it. Again, unless it is legally or medically necessary, we should not be discussing what another person was assigned without their permission.

AVOID: Sex change, Pre-op, Post-op

Don’t talk about people’s genitals. It’s weird.

AVOID: “Fully” Transition

There is no definitive end to a transition, and while some trans folks might use this phrase as a shorthand to describe when they feel comfortable or at peace within their transition, for a lot of folks it can feel condescending or limiting. I like to think of myself as a full human being at every stage of my transition, and if people ask if I am or if I plan to “fully” transition, I’m always left feeling like they look at me as incomplete. I believe these people understand that what they want to ask about is inappropriate, but don’t seem to realize this phrase is just as bad.