We Think Different
Dear Baby Maybe,
You’ve got anger issues. I never really understood where it all came from or how it all went away. I assumed it had something to do with our gender, as that’s the biggest change that has happened between you and me. And while that certainly is a likely component, there’s things I’ve learned about our brain that can fill in the gaps of that explanation.
I realized a few years ago that there is one specific brand of media that will, without fail, make me sob every time. I was watching a TV show that had an (admittedly stereotypical and less than ideal representation of an) autistic character, and I was uncontrollably sobbing during just about every episode. I remembered a book I had read and other shows I had seen with autistic characters and realized this was a recurring trend for me. Remembering all of those moments made me I realize: I was crying so much because I saw a lot of myself reflected in these characters.
That realization was five years ago. And I’ve spent those five years learning all about autism and neurodivergence and all of the ways they line up with our experiences. Luckily I have access to an internet that is much more full of information than yours. Through social media I’ve been able to hear first-hand accounts from people all across the autism spectrum. I’ve learned about the ADHD you probably should have been diagnosed with. And so many things about our life started to make so much more sense.
Reading and learning about neurodivergence had the same impact as the other media I was consuming, I cried a lot.
But this time it felt like I was cracking open. This time I was aware that I was reading about myself. And now I’m comfortable claiming it as a part of who I am.
There are plenty of indicators of our neurodivergence I can point to. And honestly, for a while I was concerned I was just latching onto an identity and trying to make it mine. Some people can hear a list of autistic traits and think “oh that’s kind of like me“ and think that makes them autistic, but that’s not always true. What really solidified the identity for me was seeing how much acknowledging my relationship to autism actually HELPED me in my daily life. Not just hearing other people’s experiences and relating to them, but also trying out their suggestions and having them improve my life. The way I’ve designed my living spaces to combat my struggles with object permanence, the plot journaling I’ve started doing to remember tasks, there have been simple shifts that have made my life much easier. But there’s also the letting go of certain structures or expectations in order to let myself live comfortably. Decisions can be hard for me to make, so it’s okay for me to eat out at the same restaurant multiple times a week. Tasks like cleaning and laundry can be overwhelming and overstimulating, so it’s okay for me to ask for help.
I recently bought some earplugs on a whim. I had used earplugs before in rare circumstances but they never fit my ears or worked quite right. I found a pair designed not to completely block out sound, but to reduce background noise. I had seen some friends use them and saw them frequently online. One day, I was going out with my boyfriend and told him I was going to try them out. Since I didn’t know how much I’d be able to hear with them on, I figured it would be safer to try them out with someone I trusted. We were on a train when I put them in and I immediately got emotional. It was incredible. I felt an instant calm. I could have cried. I hadn’t realized how overstimulating a lot of the noises I was always hearing were until they were gone. (Or mostly muffled.) We were out that night in big crowds and around a bunch of people. Crowds usually make me nervous in general and I really don’t like being surrounded by people like that. I never considered that a simple earplug would help. I wasn’t totally at ease, people are still people, but wow was I far more relaxed than I’d ever been in a crowd. Now I rotate those and my over-the-head earphones. The earplugs are more discreet when I am in situations where I don’t want to answer questions about them or draw attention to the fact that I’m blocking out noise.
These accommodations have helped me cope with a lot of things I didn’t realize were impacting me. But there are also accommodations I didn’t realize I was already implementing. We don’t always respond well when our plans are broken. We are very quick to beat ourselves up when we mess up an easy task or we’re not properly executing a project. But especially when someone has told us something is going to happen, we feel a panic in our body if that plan changes. As a kid, you’re often seen as spoiled or entitled for this, it’s seen as you not getting your way. But in reality, we take a long time to mentally prepare for just about every situation we’re in. We play through all the possible scenarios. I like to do trial runs to locations I’ve never visited before when possible. If not, I’ll look for pictures online or get there early to understand how the entrance works and things like that. Before holidays and other gatherings I’ll try to get a guest list or an idea of who I’ll know when I’m there. I ask about food menus and other details in advance. I like to know the plan, and I like to be prepared. When that plan is broken, sometimes it’s fine. But sometimes, especially if I’m already stressed or overstimulated, that can really ruin my day.
I’ve talked to you about growing up and not feeling like you fit in. You know that you struggle to make or keep friends, and that never goes away. You spend a lot of your life really frustrated and confused, I’m not surprised at how angry you get. But it’s more than that. Today I know that if I am going to a big social gathering or spending multiple days in a row around people, I need to factor in a buffer day afterwards for me to refill my social battery. I used to think this was just a thing that shifted as I got older, but then I started to consider how little control you have over social interaction. You don’t really get to be independent. You’re constant in highly social environments, in school, in theaters, you barely ever get a buffer day. And then I think about all of the ways you’re not afforded control of your circumstances, and all of your anger issues start to make sense. See, I don’t live with the anger you do. But transitioning didn’t solve that anger. Transitioning was just one of the many things I did once I gained my independence as an adult. Being able to have control of my life and situations I’m in made it easier for me to live without having meltdowns.
Honestly, ADHD and autism share a lot of traits. And many people live with both. But the more I’ve learned about neurodivergence as a whole, the more I felt like it was describing me. Learning about the range that exists also confirmed for me that it doesn’t matter to me exactly where I fall in that category. But if learning that my brain is not neurotypical has changed my life for the better, that’s all I need to know.
Your future,
Mae
